I have awful trust issues. I also spend a great deal of my time feeling insecure. I just needed to say those two things.

Long time no see...

Wow, it's been nearly three years since I last wrote anything. Do people still do this? do people still read these? I used to think it was constructive to write here all about my life....totally transparent. I find myself here now mostly to reflect and read past entries. It's amazing how life can have waves of optimism and then waves of cynicism. Such a strange journey life is. I guess it's good to look back sometimes and see those patterns...what caused them and where you were....but other times it just makes me think life is just a ride on one big merry-go-round. Things change but everything stays the same. People get on and off, maybe switch seats.... I'm rambling. I think I've noticed I only come back to my blog at the extremes of my emotions, either to wade around in the waters that is my sorrow or to bask in triumph. Looking back at the way my life has gone....seeing patterns....makes me wonder what's really causing similar things to happen over and over.....is it me? Am I doing this to myself? If I am, how? Ignorance truly is bliss. The older you get and the more you try to make something of this life the more stressful and complex it all gets. I miss being a kid. I miss my worries being things as simple as choosing to ride my big-wheel or ride my bike. play with legos or play nintendo. Having a crush on someone. the dark being my biggest fear. Those were the days, man. I turn 29 in about two weeks. Weird. Funny how you spend your teen years trying to figure out what you want to do with your life....you make decisions and lay out all this groundwork....a path.....then you start following it....suddenly you look back and realize maybe you didn't make it as far as you thought in the amount of time you've been going along. Maybe you missed a stop. Lost something along the way. Don't remember where you were heading. You stop, not sure if you should keep going.....you remember this was the way you meant to go....is it still? Maybe it's time to ask for directions.

No News is Good News?

Well, I remembered I had a blog recently and realized it has been a long time since I found a chance to get on here and write a little bit. I re-read some old blogs and enjoyed remembering the times I wrote them, and feel the need to somewhat get this up to speed with current times. I've just been so busy living life that I haven't had time to talk about it! I guess in this case, no news is good news...... I'll start with the positives and work my way into the negative situation I'm currently losing sleep and appetite over(yes, it's a female) Anyways, so that promotion I kept getting promised never came through....BUT! a co-worker that took the same civil service test as me for the job I had, got a canvas letter from the Town of Cheektowaga.....and it was for almost double the pay for the same job title! I didn't get the letter because I was already holding that title for Erie County.....long story short I made some phonecalls, applied for a lateral-move, and somehow pulled it out of my ass and ended up with the job! I love the new gig, I get to stretch my feet a lot more and get involved in WAY more interesting projects. The extra money has been incredible to me, I'm finally financially comfortable and stable. The 1974 Challenger project is all done besides bodywork and paint, I got to drive it last weekend for the first time, and it was a BLAST! My '75 Honda CB550 is pretty close to being finished with my lastest additions/modifications, excited to get back into riding it. Now, the transition from good to sad.... I've been in a relationship with someone incredible for 2 months now.....we have known each other for roughly 3yrs now, and always had this unexplainable chemistry.....too bad when we met she had a boyfriend, and shortly after I became involved with a girl myself.....fast forward to about 3 months ago...we started making more of an effort to hang out with some mutual friends, as we were both single for about 8 months to a year....and we just kind of fell right into a groove and started dating. It was amazing, exactly the way a relationship should be.....we weren't attached at the hip, spent time with friends seperately, and enjoyed spending time together regarless of the activities. Dare I say perfect..... TRANSITION: Last thursday, she said she needed to talk about something that had been bothering her a couple days.....I had no idea the bomb that was about to get dropped in my lap. Things were TOO GOOD, frightening to her....she felt like she wanted to run, unsure of whether or not this is what she wants in the longrun. We talked about it, and I thought maybe it would just be a couple days of emotional distance while she thought it over.....but I was WRONG. I left the following morning and have not seen her in 6 days now, and she has only responded to one text message, in a way that made me feel it a bad idea to text again....so now I have not SPOKEN with her in 4 days. I'm a total wreck, I have no idea if we are still together or not. I wish I knew what she was thinking.....or at least whether or not she still IS thinking....if she has made a decision, I'd love to know what it is. I'm doing the best I can to respect her space and not pressure her....I don't want to push her into staying with me and having her resent me for it later. I'm just soooooo confused up until a week ago she would tell me on an almost daily basis how incredibly happy I made her, and now I don't even know how she's doing. I'm barely sleeping, can't stomach a meal, and I've definitely been drinking on weeknights to try to get myself to fall asleep (something I never do). I know that she has seen a LOT of failing/miserable relationships and that she's most likely just terrified of being hurt, but the fact of the matter is that I'm ALREADY hurt now because of this situation. It seems like such a travesty that we have had chemistry for so long, and how I waited all this time to wondering if there could be something between us.....now I know....there's more there than I thought could be. And these 3 yrs could be reduced to what have been the most incredible 8wks I've had. I wish I could just tell her all of this.....but I'm so worried that I could pour all this out to her only to have her respond with not wanting to continue a relationship. I guess writing this is really my only way to vent these feelings. Chances are, no one will have read all this anyways. I just miss her so much now, and no matter how busy I try to stay, she's always on my mind. It's been so long since I was in a relationship, I had forgotten how terrible a feeling it is when the person you long to connect with seemingly has no desire to have you in their life. I hope I'm wrong, I hope she misses me too...... I'm praying this is also a case of "no news is good news"......

All I hear is "wahhh"

So, I just kind of feel the need to rant a little bit about all of the negativity and complaining I see these days in my browsings of the internet.....

The beauty of living is that everyone has the exact same chance to achieve ANYTHING. It is those that work as hard as they possibly can to strive for those achievements that DESERVE them. It is true that there is a small percentage of people that seem to slip in shit and land in gold, but they will never appreciate what they have nor the work involved.

I see so many people complaining about things not being "easy". Let's not even talk about the fact that "easy" is a relative term.....If achievement were "Easy" and effortless, than everyone would acheive their goals and there would be no reason to feel pride, confidence, appreciation, happiness, etc. It would be expected that you easily attain whatever goals you set for yourself and no one would be there to say "good job" or "you earned it".....without that, where is the merit in doing anything at all?

It even seems to me that the people complaining simply CAUSED their "failures" or bumps in the road entirely on their own and for some reason feel like its proposterous for them to have to deal with the consequences of their own actions. Grow up, man up, and put in the work to get what you want. If you're not willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES, then you do not deserve what you truly want anyways.

Now, I'm not gonna stand on my soapbox and say I've never complained just like I am describing.....but I certainly have learned from making that mistake before. I've learned to be picky, not to settle, and work hard. I'd rather drive my mediocre car I pay for every month than to drive a luxurious car someone else helped me get or paid for. I'd rather have my mediocre little house that needs updates than to have a huge fancy house in a ritzy neighborhood that someone gave me. I'd rather work my bottom-wrung-of-the-ladder job and work my way up the ranks through hard work than to stroll into a cushy high-paying job obtained by knowing the right people or being in a wealthy family-owned business. I take GREAT pride in saying that everything I have is simply becuase I put in the work necessary to have it. I've had help, but I have always gone out of my way to pay back every dollar and every favor I have recieved in any way possible.

When I am in my 40's with a family and everything I ever wanted, I can look back and smile, feeling proud of how I managed to make it there. I know I will die having lived a fulfilling life in my difficult search for happiness. I feel sorry for anyone who cannot say the same....

2011 in Review, 2012 in Perspective

Well, 2011 has come to a close with tomorrow being the last day. Looking back, I definately made some big strides and gained a ton of knowledge throughout the year.

I've been working hard on making progress with my career and things are going pretty well there.

I closed on my first house February 5th, and it's been quite the experience becomming a homeowner. I'm pretty proud to say I accomplished this at 25yrs old.

I tried some new things out in the garage and learned alot of ways NOT to do things before finally figuring out HOW to do them, haha. In the end, I value the experience and have caught some positive attention from theses efforts and may be able to turn a profit from what I've learning in the future.

I started offering design and consulting services via a Craigslist add after I bought the house. I didnt realize I did halfway decent on it, I pulled in about $2500 in sidework from it over the course of the year. Pretty respectable in my opinion.

I really kicked into high gear spending time in the gym, and I'm down to 195lbs from 235lbs in august of 2009. I also decided to start training for marathon running and completed the "Turkey Trot" 8k race in 49:50. I'm pretty proud of that and this definately helped with the body image I am trying to acheive.

I made a bunch of new friends this year through my hobbies(which I put MUCH more time into this year than any other year since highschool). I have had a TON of fun with the car scene, vintage motorcycle scene, and playing music.

I played my first open mic early in the year, and played probably a dozen overall. Haven't sang yet, just played guitar....but recently I really pushed myself to learn to sing while playing(who knows what my voice sounds like to someone else though!) and somewhat broke a barrier and can accomplish this now with abour 3 or 4 songs. I hope to polish them up and play alone at an open mic sometime in the next month or two.

I guess this brings me to the point where I set some goals for 2012. I won't be making a resolution, because everyone knows those are temporary.

I plan to continue with my gym regiment for sure. I no longer am concerned with weight....much more concerned with what I see in the mirror. I would say I've hit the halfway mark from where I was and where I want to be, so we'll see what I can do by summer.

I recently started putting together a cover band to get playing out for fun. We are only going to play songs by the bands "Taking Back Sunday" and "Brand New"....these bands are very similar....mostly because they are from the same town and the lead singers from both bands used to be best friends until one of them stole the other's g/f. Anyways, it's been fun learning all of their songs and practicing them. We hope to be playing out at venues come spring.

I plan to make an adventure out of riding my 1975 Honda motorcycle down to mid-ohio vintage motorcycle days in July, My friend Chris might join me for the ride. Skipping Interstates will make it a 10hr ride or so compared to a 5hr drive, so we will probably split the ride up over two days for fatigue purposes. I'm actually REALLY excited for this, but I really have to go over some things on the bike and make sure it can handle the trip.

I didn't spend much time this past year in the dating scene, I'd like to change that this coming year. I would say I met/went on dates with roughly 7-10 girls and not a single one of them was for more than 5 dates. I guess I'm just not in the mood to waste time, I know exactly what I want and I'm not gonna settle even momentarily for something else. Hopefully the search yeilds better results this year haha.

I've been living basically paycheck to paycheck because of the choices I made (such as buying the house), I've been waiting for a promotion that I've been promised for months, I'm hoping it's coming sooner than later....I'd really like to pay off my Credit Cards and my car so I can spend some money on the house renovating.

I didn't spend as much time on the dirtbike this past summer as I wanted to either, hoping to get out more on it this year. Same goes for golfing

I asked for a kayak for christmas, and low and behold I got it!!!! I'm really excited for this new hobby so hopefully I find time to get into that as well

I'd love to try skydiving (need to conquer the fear of heights)
I'd love to get out camping a few times, too.

Well, I guess that's it really. I've got high hopes and good feelings that 2012 has a lot to offer. Hope yours does too!

Life is a Sandwich Shop

Yes, a strange thought....yet it fits, and I'll explain why. I have to give credit where due, my friend carly definitely basically sparked this idea....we were discussing my dating woes and she described me as "a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, with poprocks hidden inside". It was a stroke of genious, and very fitting when she elaborated. She said that it's because on the sirface I come off as very average(PB&J sandwich), but that I have all this interesting knowledge and thoughts kicking around in my head(pop rocks inside) that no one knows about until they get to know me.

So.....Life is a sandwich shop! What kind of sandwich are you? All of the different aspects of our life are like the little side dishes you can pick from....your job could be a macaroni salad. Your friends are like the dishes that support the sandwich that is you. Your education and skills are the silverware necessary to make you useful. I guess I just found this a really entertaining metaphor for life and wanted to share it. Feel free to comment with what you think...

My Most Recent Thoughts on Society and People in America....

So, I haven't been on here to write anything in a while, but last night I ended up getting into a conversation with a friend that quickly evolved into a rather deep one and inspired me to put alot of my thoughts on what we talked about on here. just a warning, this is going to read very scatter-brained....so for that I appologize, but I have no clue how I could organize these thoughts to make more sense....

It's my opinion/observation that our society as a whole basically sucks ass. The things people generally value and/or care about are drastically off-base these days. America can no longer be defined as it once was. People don't care about people anymore, except for a really small sample percentage of our society. In my experience, there are still some people out there that will surprise you with compassion and understanding when you need it most, but it's definately becoming increasingly rare. America was supposed to be the place people went to be part of something bigger, a place of progress, a new culture all it's own. People used to be proud to call themselves American, are you? I'm certainly not. We are the only country where when you ask someone what nationality they are, they ramble off a list of other countries....its proposterous. Especially since 98% of the time, those ties are 4 or more generations back. If you're parents were born HERE, and their parents were born HERE.....NEWS FLASH! you're NOT "italian", "german", "polish", etc.....you are AMERICAN. What else is sad is that our national language is almost no longer english. I'm all for people being able to speak langauges other than english....but this country was built on english, it should remain the universal language here. I can't even beleive that it is an OPTION to take the citizenship examination in SPANISH for christ sake! This is the only place in the world where people come to and actually refuse to assimilate into the culture. Anywhere else you go in the world you are expected to assimilate. We are expected to except anyone and everyone, and accomodate their cultures. Why? Why should we? As an American....if you travel anywhere else and people ask you where you are from, they CRINGE when you say you're from America. It no longer is respected. We are mimicking the timeline that Rome went through. It is my belief that we will eventually see the same fate, self-destuction due to greed and lack of compassion for the fellow man.

It's sad that I am literally blown away when someone cares about what's actually on my mind....those deep core values and feelings. I can't understand how people can decide whether or not they find someone interesting after a trivial conversation like "hi, what do you do for a living?" "where are you from" "where did you go to school" "whats your favorite color"......REDICULOUS. All that shows me is that the vast majority of society here is unbeleiveably conceited and cought up in monetary acheivements. It amazes me how some people are so easily interested in someone else. I get ridiculed for being "picky".....I'm not picky, I just know what interests me....and if someone doesnt have it I'm not going to stick around simply because they are attractive, have a good job, a nice car, education, etc. Those are all great things to have, and I definately would prefer someone I would date have those things, they mean squat if there isnt some deeply rooted emotional/intellectual connection to go with it. So many people are too busy worrying about stupid things like what someone looks like, what everyone else is doing, what's accepted as "cool" or "popular" or "in", what they look like to everyone else, if other people approve of what they want or decide to do, etc. That's all pointless horseshit. People should be concerned with how others FEEL, what concerns them, what makes them feel good, what makes them upset, how to make them laugh or smile. People don't seem to care about actually connecting with one another. Friendships are almost a joke, a popularity contest, a group of people that make you look good or like you're cool or some shit. I don't have a whole lot of friends, but I like to think it's because I only bother to talk and hang out with people that actually have shit in common with me. Similar hobbies, the want to share feelings with each other, the security that they will not judge you for talking about the things that bother you. It's really sad for me to think about. It's amazing how few people I can actually say know deep down what REALLY goes on in my head.....the thoughts that excite or haunt me constantly, the issues I'm internally trying to deal with or overcome, my insecurities. Do you have more than 5 friends that know your deepest thoughts and fear? I don't. I bet you don't either. If you do, you're probably the type of person I should be surrounding myself with. It's amazing how on almost every level of how our society opperates we are overly concerned with other peoples business. Everyone wants to know the gossip about other people on the lowest level, and at the highest level we're always trying to play world police. People need to stop thinking about everyone else and start working on the core issues at hand, and our country needs to stop trying to put our noses in the rest of the worlds business, we need to worry about our own country.....we are falling apart. Figuratively AND literally.

It's really all a damn shame. We used to be such a great place and great group of people. What happened?