Had an Interesting Dream About Death....

So last night I had a rather strange dream. It was quite vivid and I don't fully know how I feel about it. I had a dream that I was in a strange place, waiting in some sort of line. This line was similar to what you find in the height of the summer at an amusement park waiting for a ride. I remember there being friends and aquaintances in this line with me, and we were discussing how we did not know what we were waiting in line for. At some point, we discussed what the last thing we remember was before all of a sudden being in this line, and the realization was that we had died. While waiting in the line, there was a large hill that seemed to go downwards for eternity, and more and more people were headed up the hill and getting into line as well... and we would see more people we knew.

I don't quite know what to make of this dream, but it was pretty strange. Maybe I will get out the ol' sketchbook and color up the image I remember from the dream....

Trust

I'd like to take a few moments and do a little venting on the topic of trust and honesty. What the hell happened to this virtue? It really is a kick in the nuts these days with how afraid everyone is of honesty. This world has become so P.C. and soft to everyone's feelings that no one can beleive anything someone says to them anymore. What I HATE THE MOST, is when you catch someone in a lie.....and instead of admitting they are caught, they come up with more BS trying to cover up their lie.....especially when you've got PROOF they lied. Now I am a pretty trusting person, but nothing makes me turn my back on someone faster or more remorseless than when someone violates that trust. The fact is, many people don't get along with my friends because they are so honest its pretty brutal sometimes....but honestly(haha) I wouldn't have it any other way. I hate when people sugarcoat things and try to make you feel good.....give it to me straight, if I am doing something stupid or I look rediculous tell me. I'll actually even thank you for it. I do the same to people I actually give a crap about, and people that don't understand thing its rude or mean, but its something me and my friends expect from each other and respect each other FOR. If you look fat in your jeans, I'll tell you. If you look rediculous in the clothes your wearing, I'll tell you to change. If the way you are acting is totally un-warrented I'll tell you.

I'd expect the same from you.

Now, let me be frank....I'm not gonna sit here and say I've never lied.....but when I'm caught in a lie, I fess up and admit it, and take the consequences I deserve. Am I one of the few people that still lives by these standards? I sit here wondering why after all the times I find myself in this situation I am still surprised by it. I guess I can't bring myself to comprimise my values on trust and honesty.....it really just frosts my ass for lack of a better expression.

I only know of one or two people that actually read this thing.....but if you read this and don't know me.....try being moer honest with the people around you, it's pretty rewarding in the long run. If you know me and sugarcoat shit around me....STOP, and even if you don't....tell me when I look or act stupid, I won't get offended....I've got pretty thick skin.

Thanks for listening.

Where I come from isn't all that great
My automobile is a piece of crap
My fashion sense is a little whack
And my friends are just as screwy as me

I didn't go to boarding schools
Preppy girls never looked at me
Why should they I ain't nobody
Got nothing in my pocket

Look at all those movie stars
They're all so beautiful and clean
When the housemaids scrub the floors
They get the spaces in between

I wanna live a life like that
I wanna be just like a king
Take my picture by the pool
Cause I'm the next big thing!

The truth is...I don't stand a chance
Its something that you're born into...
And I just don't belong...

No I don't - I'm just a no class, beat down fool
And I will always be that way
I might as well enjoy my life
And watch the stars play

Someone elses words are more fitting than my own

"We are spending all our time away from one another. We are coming to a tender age of miracles and robbers. We try to live a life respecting all the animals. Like wind behind the grass in sway, asleep at certain times of day. Don’t turn away looming moon, you’ll have your revenge very soon. Don’t turn away from what you love, soon you’ll be finding it’s much too tough. I have thought of sharing all these different feelings from under covers. May we all turn into the leaves that crack and break apart. And I’m anxious to relieve my mind from desperate thoughts. I hope you remember me always"

-Secret & Whisper-

A little conflicted lately

Well, since Jill and I split, things have been a little crazy. I have picked back up on a lot of things I had stopped doing when we were dating, and it's kinda nice getting back into a groove again. The big issue I seem to be mulling over again and again is the issue of whether or not to keep contact with her. We did get along quite well aside from the differences that drew us apart romantically, and I do in fact still care for her as a person. The thing is, I have never broken up with a girl and been able to stay friends, let alone ever speak to them again. Matter of fact I happen to have a restraining order on the girlfriend prior to Jill. We have spoken a few times since the split, and she has expressed she still wants to be together but I am just not so sure it would work out. I do miss her from time to time, but I feel I miss the way things were before we grew apart rather than missing her in the more recent past. It is inevitable that we each will start talking to and taking an interest in members of the opposite sex, and when I consider that , frankly I don't think I can be comfortable with that regardless of the fact that I myself don't currently wish to be romantically involved with her. I tend to beleive that once you have a strong romantic connection with someone, a small peice of them becomes a part of you and lives in you forever. It's that small peice that I think will hurt if I see her dating again, and I don't know whether or not it would be totally rude or disrespectful to eliminate all contact with her. This issue has been somewhat heavy on my thoughts lately, a few times I have went to delete her on facebook only at the last second to choose not to click the delete button for some unknown reason I feel in my gut. I don't quite know what that means, but I'm trying to figure it out. Is it the best thing for both of us if we just walk away and put everything in the hands of fate? Or do we struggle to deal with each other seeing other people? I feel strongly that everything happens for a reason, and that if something is meant to be it will find a way to be so. So that being said....do I cut all ties and throw my cards into the wind, and if we are in fact meant to be together in the long run our paths will cross once again when the timing is right and we have grown as individuals? I guess only one being knows this answer, and it surely isn't me.

thats all for now. until next time
_nick

Oops! Life got in the way for a while

Well, I somehow just remembered it has been AGES since my last blog on here. Things got pretty hectic for a while. I re-read my last posts and I suppose I need to reflect on the goals I wrote about 9 months ago.

As far as the job situation, I got my foot finally in a door. I got called in from a civil service exam I took and now have been working for Erie County as an Engineer's Assistant for 3 months. I am quickly moving around here now... I am due for a raise January 1st, and have an exam in two weeks for a promotion that equates to a $5,000/yr raise.

I fully wanted to enjoy myself this year as I expressed in previous blogs....so I did a few things for myself and spent a little money somewhat frivolously in my young age. Hey! you only live once! I started the year out with one motorcycle and one dirtbike, bought two more motorcycles, enjoyed them, and delivered one of them to its new owner just yesterday. I mostly decided it's time to start "thinning the herd" because I recently piqued interest in getting myself into a house.

As far as Jill, who I spoke optimistically about in january when we started dating, we broke up just a week ago. Things were fantastic the first 4-6 months or so, but she was not very keen on the trip to Europe I had booked and voiced that pretty regularly for about a month or more before I even left. Her attitude changed drastically once I was there and really rubbed me the wrong way. We had a large argument when I came home about it and broke up. A few days later after the air had cleared, we elected to try again because we both wanted it to be the way it was the first 4-6months we were together. Ultimately it didnt seem it was going to work that way without ALOT of effort, so we elected not to waste each other's time.

The trip by the way, was the single GREATEST experience I have ever had. The sights were astounding, and me and my best friend mike made numerous new friends from around the globe. It was fantastic to see builings and sites that I studied in school for architecture up close and personal in the flesh!

So it seems yet another chapter has written itself in this book I call life. I suppose it would be fitting to voice some new personal goals to acheive over the next few months. I would like to eliminate one more motorcycle and get my debt paid off and some money in savings. after the first of the year I am going to get pretty serious about obtaining a house for myself. I never got around to building my kit car beyond the basic frame, but I want to wait for the right donor car to come along to build it with before I go any further with it. Now that things have seemed to come to an end in the relationship department, I think it's time to work on myself and re-evaluate my priorites. Afterall, the best things seem to surface when your not looking.

Pre-Occupied

Well, I haven't had or made the time to get back on here to put my thoughts down in a while and figured it's about time to stop back.

For the past few weeks, I have had my head clouded with heavy thoughts. Mostly related to one underlying issue. I generally try to be a pretty optimistic guy, but its just this one rather big problem that continues to irk me. I finished my Bachelor's of Science in Architecture degree in December of 2008, and promptly found myself laid off from the firm I had been working for just 4 days later. I immediately began searching for another firm to work for, even with help from my boss that laid me off calling in a good word for me with some of his friendly competitors. After 6 months of trying, I gave up and started searching for ANY job I could get to support myself. This landed me at a local RV dealership as a parts and accessories clerk. It is now February of 2010 and I still find myself stuck working at this miserable establishment and loathe getting out of bed to come to work everyday. I have continued to farm out resumes and even re-apply to firms that had said no back in 2009, still with no sign of light at the end of the tunnel. I've considered going back to school, but due to it being so long ago that I finished, I have no material to submit a portfolio for acceptance into a graduate architecture program.

The part of my situation that really grinds my gears, is that a simple deviation of 2-3yrs would have netted me FAR different results. My generation very honestly has gotten the short end of the stick thanks to the economy crash. If I was 2-3 yrs younger and went the same route, I would just now be finishing up my bachelor's and be able to go straight into the graduate program. I wish that were the case, as seeing the economy still not promising anything, it would buy me another 2 yrs before having to search seriously for a career position.
If I were 2-3 years older, I would have already had at least 1.5yrs experience in the field before the economy collapsed, and therefore have more to work with in applying for other jobs, or at the very least be that much closer to being licensed and able to practice on my own.

As I stated I have done my best not to dwell on this, but it has been 14 months and I have not done a single thing related to a degree I put so much effort into. I had hopes of being in a financially stable position at this point where I could be looking at owning a home for myself and start getting serious about life, but instead I moved back with my parents and live basically paycheck to paycheck with no real ability to create or build a savings. It seems my options are greatly limited now, and I really do not want to be at this RV job any longer. It seems I either must go to a different school for some specialized training in an applicable area to my field, or go back and repeat some of my classes to freshen up on skills, and then possibly take the higher levels of those courses for more experience or to keep up on the skills to stay on the ball until I find something.

I hate that this is so heavy on my mind, but I find it hard to deviate from constantly thinking about what the hell I can do about it, and it has caused close friends and family to notice a difference in my dimeanor. It would just be nice to have a normal 9-5 professional job so that I can enjoy weekends off to socialize with friends, instead I work some strange hours that always change week to week and have to work weekends.

Well, there isn't much I can do, and I know I'm not alone in this situation. I guess all I can do is try to keep myself occupied with my hobbies. So hopefully this summer nets me a new job, or at least maybe I can get a good start on my "locost" caterham/seven roadster kitcar project, and put some miles on my 1975 cafe racer CB550.......

Cheers 'til next time

Starting off on the right foot

Well, it's officially 2010 now and I suppose that means it is time to reflect on the past year, and set some goals for the year to come. I feel like I made a lot of good decisions for myself in 2009 yet have many more to make for 2010. I got myself out of a couple seriously bad situations and into some temporary comfortable ones, but now it's time to start taking chances and moving forward again. I have set some goals for myself for the year....I say goals because "New Year's Resolutions" rarely are kept up on, so I won't really even entertain that whole idea. I have pretty much decided that it is time I kick my life into high gear and get moving. It's time to put some serious effort into getting my career started and begin building the foundation for what is to be the rest of my life. I have decided that if I do not get something going by the time summer is here, I will have to start applying to grad schools to get my masters in architecture as it will really be the only option I will have left to re-sharpen my skills and buy myself some time for the economy and job market to rebound.

On top of this new found motivation for getting my life going, I have also realized that I need to do some things for myself while I can and while I'm still young. I'm in the process of booking a trip to Europe this summer, I plan on building a car from scratch, putting some serious miles on the motorcycle, skydiving in July, keep riding motocross more seriously, and keep my friends close. I don't want to get so caught up in the rat race that I forget to experience life and end up looking back wishing I did these things that I have always wanted to do.

over the past 5 weeks or so I have been spending quite a bit of time with someone I met, and decided on new years eve that it was time I take a step forward with that as well. I haven't been serious with anyone since what happened last march and I finally met someone I feel is worth my time. So as of January 1st 2010 I now have introduced Jill into the mix, and feel pretty good about that. I have good feelings about this coming year, I feel like there are many good things to come and experiences that I'll be writing about.